We went to take a look at our new home today to see what had been done by the landlord and what still needed to be done. The previous tenant had purposely destroyed the home and the grounds surrounding it, so it would not be livable for awhile. But our landlord has made it possible to be moved into by this up and coming weekend. We have agreed to clean it and fix up the things that are semi easy for us to ease the burden on him. It is absolutely beautiful, from the built in ceiling light fixtures, the double closets in every room, the two bathrooms we have at our disposal, the washer and dryer, the mud room with cathedral ceilings, the 4th floor loft, the extraordinarily large back and front yards, all the way to the oversized deck and built in pancake griddle and outside grill top attached to the stove in the kitchen. We have many amenities at our disposal and much more than we could have ever asked for. Our first house and it will soon be ours by deed once we pay off the rent to own amount. Something to pass down in the family for generations. We received our lease agreement and a copy of the lease today. We go back tomorrow to turn it in and prepare for a day of cleaning and what not. Our roommates, who are wonderful people, will be coming with us, so as to finish the house in a timely manner so all can move in as quickly as possible. I showed Liam his new room today and as if he understood the words “your new room and home”, his smile lit up across his face. I believe children his age can understand more than us adults could ever comprehend and I got that impression today. He has never had his own room and his grandmother and I vowed that we would find a better home for him and a better life. Well, we have finally found it and we are so happy to have a better piece of home for us all. We will be one close knit, happy family here I think.
I am not me on this dark day,
I am her the daughter.
I see through her eyes and feel her pain emanating from withing the very core of her soul.
I yearn to cry out and I do,
So loud so angrily as I scratch away at these layers of hate.
I feel the cool feel of floor upon my back,
I open my eyes and know now what I must do.
Just release is all I need,
Like a drug it seduces me into nothingness,
this life of blackness beyond the one we know now.
It loves me,
yearns for me;
It stalks me in the night.
I will succumb to you my love,
end my burning pain;
my misery and rage that envelopes my ever present being.
I am ready for my fate,
small hand reaches for the abyss.
Hot red blood flows from these microscopic veins in need,
I welcome it with love and passion;
to be done with the pain they have caused me.
I am free now,
I am free from this sadness that I bare within my heart for those lost within the darkness,
and for those that pushed us over the cliff.
We have fallen with grace,
The wind seduces our bodies wrapping itself around as if it was but a mere blanket beneath us,
we whisper to the world above;
“Do not cry for I am free now, Dry your tears and forgive us and pray for us”.
Death caresses my lips with the breath of emptiness and ever longing darkness,
I am uncomfortably numb but free.
I have seen our country go through many a thing and survive. But I can’t help but notice that this is our gravest time with the economy dwindling and people suffering from money problems. Houses are being foreclosed upon and good families are losing their homes, families are sleeping in tent communities by the lakes in certain states, they are suffering as they try to provide for their families trying to keep food on the table. Some families are being laid off and unable to find new jobs, having to go on unemployment, food stamps and receive cash benefits from their states. Obama is at the very heart of this. He promised us that he would fix the unemployment crisis and instead has focused more on health care and the war. A healthcare bill is being passed that does not very well help us citizens, but instead is only being passed so that the government can make money from it. It says that it will in fact help us, but we have had bills passed like this before that eventually help only the government make money. Every state and country is suffering the crisis, but Alaska stays strong and is the only country at the moment that has many jobs and is thriving. Maybe all americans should migrate to alaska for security in life?
I feel I have searched long and strenuously to find the mr. right for me. The one who I will love my whole life through. I will have that beautiful house on the hill overlooking the mountains, in the middle of nowhere. The land will be my supplier of food, as I grow a field of vegetables and fruits. Next to my house will be the barn, painted bright red with many animals to supply us with food and drink. My Mr. right will be the sort of man who will welcome this lifestyle and understand it.
You see… If we all lived off the land as people did many times ago and survived, it would be a much simpler and easier life for us. They of course had their troubles, but the land provided what they needed, they didn’t have to worry about money as often as our time does, or if their family was fed and clothed as we do. I believe if everyone participated in this sort of life, they would find much happiness. But our generations are too accustomed to the finer things in life and I am not sure they know how to appreciate a life such as this. But I am willing to sacrifice a lot to test out this sort of life and give it a go ahead.
I believe I have finally found my Mr. right that could appreciate these beliefs and this lifestyle. He is very unique and has refreshing beliefs of the world around us and life in itself. He is well educated in many studies and is willing to teach me these ways, as I am anything but ignorant to new ideas, ways of life and beliefs. Many of which intrigue me so much, that I will be blogging about them in the next few weeks and hope to hear many opinions on what other people view in such subjects. It is interesting to know what the rest of the world believes.
He is perfect for ME in every way. He is very chivalrous and opens doors for me, He appreciates my appearance and does not expect me to look like a page 5 supermodel, or live up to the expectations consumers push upon us. That in itself is refreshing for me. He takes well to my son which is a plus. He is attentive to him and talks to him and enjoys his company. We went to his home yesterday and he offered to make lunch for my son, as we had been out viewing our new home as roomates. Last night after we had gone out and had dinner and returned back to my home, my son was having a tough time getting to sleep as he is teething and Mick (the Mr. Right) decided to take it upon himself to help me ease is pain. He took a teething ring and placed it between his thumb and forefinger and it helped ease Liam’s fussiness and pain of course. He helped me get him to sleep and I was very appreciative for that. That is a plus in finding the right man as well. If he is that attentive and caring towards your child, he is a keeper. We watched a great movie and bid adieu to each other at the end of a wonderful night. He hugged me ever so caringly for a long time and then he left. Later he sent me an email that said “I should have kissed you”! I wish he had as that could have made for a perfect ending to a perfect night, But it was already perfect even without such a kiss. Nothing could have made it more perfect.
We share some of the same views, many of the same hobbies. It’s all so perfect and I pray that it all works out and that I’ve finally found my lost match. The other part of me that I have been searching for, for so long now.
Okay, so this new hair thing on my ex best friend Dallas looks absolutely ridiculous. Now you have to know why I say this to not think that I am just being vindictive, or harsh, or better yet bitchy! She constantly does these things to look hotter because she has this view in life that she is queen bee, top shit above any other woman on earth and is constantly starting trouble with other girls that she doesn’t like, even if she has just met them a few minutes prior. She picks on other women’s clothes, or hair or the way they look in general and is just a vile girl in general. Not the Dallas I used to know. But she has always been promiscuous and that adds to her whole being as far as the hair goes. But it just doesn’t look good on her and she of course, I’m sure thinks that she is just the hottest shit around. But I guess I am picking on her too for her hair, but that is only because she is sitting on her high thrown right now and acting like she looks the best with pink hair and won’t take no for an answer. I decided to get the public’s opinion and put her down off her high horse once and for all!
What the hell is with this Recession, or Depression? Whatever they’re calling it now. Everytime I drive through town to do errands in Derry NH, there’s always a foreclosure sign getting put up, or that’s been sitting there forever. I mean, I drove down the street last week by my house and I counted four in a row. Our town is going to be a frigging ghost town before we know it because of this Recession bullshit. I thought Obama was supposed to be making things better for us? It doesn’t seem like we’re getting anywhere.
I have been trying to apply to all section 8 housing programs available and almost every single one in every state is closed. Can you believe that? I was completely dumbfounded. So I’m stuck in a househould that is just pure, constant negativity, because I am a single mom trying to support my son on state assistance, since he is just so needy that he won’t stay with anyone else but me and my mother. Not to mention I can only get a job for minimum wage. That isn’t going to support us in our own apartment. So I have moved on to subsidized housing, but there isn’t much help for single moms who are struggling and trying to make a new start. That is something Obama should work on.
I feel like I am the only one, who sees her for who she really is! She puts on this show to seem caring, loving, nurturing when she’s around others, but the minute we enter our house, she puts on her cybil mood. If things aren’t done a certain way, or when she wants, she throws her 5th grade hissy fits. As if I don’t have enough to worry about, what with the recession and being a single parent in these times. But then again, she doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body, so it wouldn’t really bother her.
Yesterday she had the backbone to come home from work and begin with her childish tantrums and hissy fits. I hadn’t gotten the dishes done because Liam had a mommy day and was on my hip, wanting to play, without a carrier, I had no free hands. They would have eventually gotten done probably at 3pm or so. I don’t see why the time slot matters, but she throws a hissy either way. I have a certain schedule to follow.
8:00am -Feed Liam
9:00am -clean up our bedroom (pick up anything off floor, change sheets if needed, make the beds, turn off night lite and radio we used the previous night for Liam.) Change diaper if needed
10:00am -take nap if Liam does because I’m exhausted from the previous night of getting up with him and taking forever to put him back to sleep
11:00am -try to take a shower. Then feed Liam a bottle and change his diaper.
12:00pm – Feed Liam lunch if he didn’t want a bottle at 11am and then change his diaper, then play with him for awhile.
1:00pm -Make all my important phone calls about possible housing I can obtain to get out of here and fill out housing applications online.
2:00 -Feed Liam a bottle if he wants it and play with him for a bit (He gets really antsy staying in one spot for too long, so I’m constantly having to rotate him between play gym’s, playing with me, his swing, bouncy seat and rolling on the floor. He gets fussy pretty quickly.)
3:00 -Finally have the chance to get the dishes done unless Liam is still fussing, but he usually takes a nap about now, so If I’m still tir ed, I try to take a nap with him.)
4:00 -Mom comes home and throws a hissy because the dishes didn’t get done even though I’m usually about to do them, even if I explained that I was busy for most of the day. Sometimes I get tired just running around and need to relax for a moment.
It’s only me taking care of Liam, so it’s hard for me to do alot of things at one time. But mom doesn’t really seem to understand that.
The things that bother me the most, are her complaining that he has alot of toys and play gym’s and what not in the living room. But since we only have a small 2 bedroom apartment, with me sharing a bedroom with Liam that’s pretty small, the living room is the only place I have to put his extra stuff. But it’s all shoved up against a wall and in the corner, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. But she’s always complaining about it and throwing his stuff around, while she mumbles under her breath about it. She would rather not have any of his stuff in the livin g room, but that’s what having a grandson is all about. Your house becomes a playground. She’s never been motherly, so she doesn’t understand that. Then she shoves his carriage between the end of his crib and the foot of my bed in this little nook and cranny spot that makes it so I will be kicking the carriage all night will I sleep. Because the end of his crib is up against the side of the foot of my bed so as it makes an L shape. Now I can’t keep that there, so I moved it agains the night stand I use for his little baskets full of lotion and baby bath wash and what not, but I tripped over it last night trying to get out of the door of my room to get Liam a bottle. She knows we are crammed in the room with no space, because she made me put almost all of his belongings in there, but she didn’t care, or offer to help me find a solution to that problem. It was in the hall closet, but she took it out last night and put it in my room. It’s not fair to Liam or me, to have to live with the unbelievable clutter that is our room, but it doesn’t bother her, because her living spaces are free of clutter now that we have everything in our room.
Another thing, is that she barely spends any time with her grandson. She works all day and when she comes home, she can’t be bothered with spending time with him. She warrants 15 minutes as spending time with him. She’ll come talk to him, go take a shower, put her work stuff away and put her bedroom t.v. on. Then she’ll come talk to him for a bit more, maybe hold him for a few minutes and then she’s in her bedroom for most of the night watching t.v. The weekends, she says, are for spending time with him, even though we live in the same house, but sometimes she’ll take off with her husband for most of the weekend to go do errands and then when she comes home, she’s up his butt. She spent way more time with my son Gavin, when he was born 8 years ago. She was always with him. I guess she’s changed alot, for the worse. She makes me so mad.
The worst thing she does, is take her loser, alcoholic husbands side when she should be taking her daughters, her blood’s side. Like when he was talking bad about me and saying un-called for things the other night, like when I had to get the last bit of our laundry done, but didn’t have enough money, because I support Liam and I off Tanif for the moment because I can’t go back to work due to him not wanting to stay with anyone and crying horribly. I only get 600 a month. He said, when he found out my mom was taking it to work to do, because her boss doesn’t mind, he knows the situation. He said “well, tell her to throw the laundry over her shoulder and call a cab to go do it”. And I flipped, saying I don’t have the money to spend on a cab all the way to salem nh, I have to support my son singly, by myself and I don’t have that extra luxury money to throw away. If I did, I would, maybe you should try raising a son by yourself on state assistance and tell me if you have the extra money to spend on a cab. Then I thought of something he had said the night of his birthday. when I made a comment about some women become bitches when they date a man that makes them that way. And how I was celibate for a year and a half, talking to my friend chris about this, not him. And I was happy to be that way. He made a drunken comment like “you have to have a man first” That not only hurt, but pissed me off. I brought that up the other night and said, “I’ve had a man thank you, that’s how my son was conceived and he was a better man ten times than you are”. My mom said I had to forgive him for what he said or did, because we all had to live here and other people felt uncomfortable with us not talking. So basically she’s saying how I felt didn’t matter and I had to be the bigger man, as usual for the 500th time when he says and does shit that’s uncalled for to me. Honestly, I think that’s wrong. We’re never in the same room anways, so I don’t understand how it would matter to anyone and he could give a shit less, because he doesn’t like me very much, due to the fact that unlike my mother, he knows I won’t take his emotional, verbal alcoholic abuse and I’ll tell him like it is.