NEVERENDING FAMILY FEUD

SO IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR, THE TIME OF CHRISTMAS, WHEN FAMILIES GET TOGETHER, UNITE AND SHARE GOOD MEMORIES. I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME FOR MY FAMILY. WE ARE AMONG THOSE FAMILIES WHO ARE SEPARATED, ESTRANGED IF YOU WILL. SOMEONE IS ALWAYS THE BLACK SHEEP, THE SCAPEGOAT AND A DISAPPOINTMENT. SOMETIMES I FEEL AS IF THAT PERSON IS ME. I’VE BEEN THE BLACK SHEEP ALL MY LIFE. JUMPING FROM JOB TO JOB, BEING THE WILD PARTY GIRL UP UNTIL I WAS 23 AND OF COURSE…GIVING MY SON UP FOR ADOPTION, EVEN THOUGH I WAS TECHNICALLY FORCED INTO IT. NOW THAT MY SON LIAM IS HERE, I HAVE TO ENDURE THE CONSTANT NAGGING OF HOW TO PARENT MY SON. I HAD TO DEAL WITH IT, WITH MY SON GAVIN AND NOW WITH LIAM. IT FEELS AS IF IT WILL NEVER END. I WILL NEVER BE VIEWED AS AN ADULT, OR COMPETENT ENOUGH TO MAKE MY OWN RIGHT DECISIONS. IT SEEMS AS IF THE ONES I DO MAKE, ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, OR NOT THE RIGHT ONES, IN EVERYONE ELSE’S THAT IS. I WENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE THIS PAST WEEK, SO SHE COULD SPEND TIME WITH LIAM AND STAYED ABOUT FOUR DAYS. IT WAS THE WORST FOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE. NOT ONLY DID I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE THINGS THAT I DO WRONG WITH HIM, BUT I ALSO HAD TO ENDURE CONSTANT TALK OF MY SON GAVIN AND HOW HE IS DOING AND ALL ABOUT HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS. MAYBE IT’S EASIER IF SOME PEOPLE STILL TALK ABOUT THEIR ADOPTED CHILD, OR KEEP IN TOUCH, BUT FOR ME, IT’S EASIER TO PUT IN THE PAST FOR THE TIME BEING AND MOVE ON. I KNOW THAT MAY SOUND COLD, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT HOW I MEAN IT. I JUST MEAN THAT IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO SIGN THOSE PAPERS, EVEN THOUGH I HAD TO AND SO HARD TO LET GO BECAUSE I PUNISH MYSELF EVERYDAY FOR NOT MAYBE DOING THINGS DIFFERENTLY. SO THAT’S WHY I HAVE A HARD TIME WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HER VISITS WITH HIM AND HOW HE HAS BECOME A DIFFERENT PERSON. I FEEL THAT LEAVING IT IN THE PAST, ALLOWS ME TO DEAL WITH IT IN A BETTER WAY. EVENTUALLY I WILL HEAL, OR PART OF ME WILL, BUT NOT ALL OF ME. SHE INSISTS ON SHOVING MY FACE INTO HIS NEW LIFE WITH HIS NEW PARENTS AND I HATE THAT, I DON’T THINK IT’S RIGHT! THAT IS JUST KEEPING THE GAPING WOUND OPEN AND CAUSING MORE HURT. NOT TO MENTION I FIND OUT NOW, THAT MR AND MRS. ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE NOT THAT GREAT OF PARENTS. HIS FATHER SPENDS NO TIME WITH HIM, BUT ALL OF IT FIXING UP HIS NEW HOUSES TO RENT OR SELL. HE HASN’T EVEN DONE FATHERLY THINGS WITH HIM, LIKE SPORTS OR ANYTHING. SO MY SON HAS NO INTEREST IN SPORTS BECAUSE OF THAT. HIS MOTHER WILL COOK DINNER, BUT MAKE FOOD THAT HER AND HER HUSBAND ARE USED TO EATING WHEN THEY DIDN’T HAVE A CHILD AROUND. FOOD YOU WOULDN’T REALLY FEED TO A CHILD, KNOWING IT’S NOT THE KIND OF FOOD THAT KIDS EAT. BUT SHE DOESN’T SEEM BOTHERED BY THAT. IF IT WAS ME, I WOULD MAKE SOMETHING FAMILY FRIENDLY, FOR EVERYONE AND SAVE THE GOOD STUFF FOR AN OCCASION WHERE IT WAS JUST ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVING DINNER. OR WAIT UNTIL HE GOT OLDER TO FEED THIS FOOD TO HIM. THERE ARE JUST CERTAIN WAYS THAT SHE PARENTS THAT MAKES IT SEEM AS IF SHE IS STILL LIVING THE MOTHERLESS LIFE. WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE TO ACCOMODATE THEM, BUT SHE HASN’T SEEMED TO DO THAT. ANYHOW, THE VISIT WAS INTERESTING. MY GRANDMOTHER CONSTANTLY BERATED FOR FEEDING MY SON TOO MUCH WHEN THE DOCTOR SAID NOT TO LIMIT HIM BECAUSE THAT IS THE MEANEST THING YOU COULD DO TO A GROWING BABY. AND FEEDING HIM HIS THRUSH MEDICINE TOO MUCH, WHEN I WAS SPECIFICALLY TOLD TO GIVE IT TO HIM FOUR TIMES A DAY AND NOT NECESSARILY EVERY SIX HOURS. SHE WAS CONSTANTLY HANGING OVER MY SHOULDER LIKE I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING AND I COULD ONLY TAKE SO MUCH, BECAUSE I WAS NOT GOING TO HAVE MY GRANDMOTHER BUTTING IN BECAUSE SHE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO AND ATTEMPT TO TAKE ANOTHER CHILD FROM ME BECAUSE I DON’T PARENT THE WAY SHE USED TO BACK IN THE 50’S. WELL DAYS HAVE CHANGED AND SO HAVE PARENTING STYLES, THE DOCTOR SAYS I AM DOING A BANG UP JOB SO FAR OF BRINGING UP MY SON AND THAT HE LOOKS AMAZING HEALTH WISE. SO DON’T OTHER PEOPLE. IM SURE IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO PARENTS LIKE I DO, NORMALLY, FOLLOWING DOCTORS ORDERS AND MY EVERYDAY ROUTINES. BUT I AM ALWAYS MADE TO FEEL AS IF I AM. I’M SICK OF BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT. I AM 28 YEARS OLD, NOT 14, I DON’T NEED PARENTAL GUIDANCE, OR APPROVAL ANYMORE AND I WON’T LISTEN TO IT IF IT’S JUST A BUNCH OF BULL BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO CONTROL ME. I’VE ALWAYS BEEN STUBBORN AND HAD MY OWN MIND AND AGENDA, THAT FORTUNATELY WILL NOT CHANGE, IT IS JUST WHO I AM.

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